Co-Parenting Introduction (part l)

It is my experience that parents are generally reluctant and apprehensive to engage in clinical treatment when they are dealing with child custody and visitation issues. This is understandable considering the level of angst and tension that can accompany separation and divorce. Therefore, I share with parents, regardless of whether they are eager to be in treatment or resentful and angry about being in treatment, that their involvement is an important sacrifice and fundamental gesture of love for their children. I recognize, appreciate, and value their sacrifices.

When I compliment parents about their participation, they sometimes respond by saying, “Of course I’m here. I’m ordered by the court to be here.” What a parent misses, and what I try to emphasize for increased awareness and healthy self-recognition, is that many parents are “ordered” to engage in treatment but don’t! For instance, when I teach a co-parent class, with up to fifty parents, there are always empty seats due to some not attending the “court-ordered class.” This can serve those present as an immediate, personal validation, and healthy recognition of their efforts and sacrifices, both emotional and practical, to be in attendance. It is my effort that each parent will recognize their fundamental motivation, sacrifice, and love for their child, and tap into that power to make personal improvements to further help their child. Although subtle and personal, it can be incredibly powerful for parents to shift their internal narrative from, “I’m here to comply and not get in trouble.” to “I’m here to help my children be happier, healthier and more successful.”

I am attempting to do the same with this publication. Your investments, time and money, are important sacrifices and gestures of love. That is the energy and power that will help you make big, and healthy, changes for your child regardless of what the other parent does or does not do. I share with parents a crucial principle, "In order for things to be better and healthier for your children, a parent has to work harder than they already are.” Be ready to work harder.

Another important starting principle is the concept of “personal responsibility.” In a class structure, or personal growth/improvement process like this publication, it is important for a parent to consider the material, principles, concepts, suggestions, tools etc., for herself/himself and not through the powerless filter of the other parent. That is a major reason why parents attend my co-parent class on different days. I encourage parents, and I encourage you as you read and consider this content, to think about how the content impacts YOU and how YOU can apply it personally. Avoid reading the material and fantasizing, or wishing, how the OTHER parent should apply it. As soon as you focus your attention and energy on that narrative you are wasting your attention, energy, and time! It is useless because you do not have the control to make the other person do, or not do, anything. (If you could, you would not be reading this). Wasting your attention, energy, and time does not increase the chances that things get better and healthier for your children.

If you accept my encouragement and think about how the information impacts YOU and how YOU can apply it, I want to caution and prepare you for the reality that you will mess up. Because no-one is perfect, periodically you will reflexively think about and wish the OTHER parent would read and apply the things YOU read in this material. (You may have already done so). When this happens do not beat yourself up or think you failed. Remember you are normal and that it is part of our human nature to have such reactions. Instead, use that moment as a cue to re-read the information and focus your attention and power on how it pertains to YOU personally! If you do that you are already increasing the chances that things are better and healthier for your children. GREAT JOB!!!

More information to come. If you have a question, send me an email. I might be able to help.